NFL Playoff Malaise

It’s about this time of year that my buddy John in Boston sends me a snarky e-mail about the Patriots. This year it was an article by some bozo columnist in Boston about Patriot haters. Each year John’s email has less and less effect on me, as my give-a-fuck for the NFL plummets lower and lower. Indeed, my NFL GAF is now at a level rivaled only by European soccer (well any soccer), women’s pro bowling, and anything to do with Nancy Pelosi. Before I flippantly replied to John’s poke this year, I did some soul searching as to why my GAF is so low on the NFL. Here goes.
1. The Redskins suck. I guess I have to admit that if my once beloved Skins were in the NFC championship game today, my house, nay my life, would be adorned in Burgundy and Gold.
2. Daniel Snyder (see #1)
3. Daniel Snyder’s brand new $100 million yacht (see #1 and #2). No, I’m not kidding. It was in the news this week.
4. Officiating – the game is a fucking joke. Every game is decided by a bunch of octogenarian insurance agents who spend 6 days/week trying to get people to buy an umbrella policy then throw on a striped shirt for 3 hours and attempt to officiate a very complex game with billions of dollars on the line.
5. Too many arcane and ever changing rules. My daughter played HS field hockey and I loved watching her games because she was my kid (and she was really good), but the whistle blew about every 8 seconds for some rules violation that I never understood. When she was a freshman, I’d turn to the parents of the senior players and ask, “Hey, what was that whistle for?” and the senior’s parent would shrug. When my daughter was a senior and I had had 4 years to learn the rules, some freshman parent would turn to me and ask what the whistle was for and I would shrug. NFL football has become HS field hockey with random and unpredictable flags.
6. Violence on the field. Too sad what’s happening to these guys after they retire and the league’s “concussion protocol” is a joke. No high school trainer making $18/hour would allow a kid back on the field after some of these collisions. NFL players stagger into the locker room and are back on the field 10 min later having “passed” the concussion protocol.
7. Crime and violence off the field (probably my #1 reason for losing interest in the NFL). Like all generalizations, this one is too broad, but the NFL is a bunch of wife beaters, thugs, and criminals. I actually did an analysis of the per capita rate of arrests for serious crimes in the NFL (USA Today keeps a database) and determined that if the same rate applied to my firm, we’d have 9 employees arrested every single year for serious crimes. Would anyone do business with my firm if we had 9 people arrested every single year? I seriously doubt it.
8. Sour grapes (see #1, #2, and #3)
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About Bruce Robertson

Bruce Robertson is an amateur writer and professional provocateur
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