The Inside Scoop on Iowa

OK, so the Iowa primary is over. You’ve watched all the analysis on CNN, CBS, ABC, NBC, Fox, MSNBC, BBC, Nickelodeon, ESPN, ESPN2, ESPN Deportes, and The Home Shopping Network. But, you still don’t feel like you really understand the implications of the first primary of the 2016 election season (OK, technically a caucus, but nobody knows what the hell a caucus is). So, naturally, you come to Bruce’s Blog for clarity. I am going to keep this short and simple since there are 49 more of these.

Republicans
Pretty simple here, folks. Cruz put all his eggs in one basket and won. He had to. Any other result would have been seriously damaging. However, as near as I can tell, this victory did nothing to make his ears look less goofy. I predict that will continue to dog him, particularly in the warmer weather states where he won’t be able to wear a ski hat.

Trump, with a weak second place finish after leading in all the polls, looks like The Big Loser. Following on my shallow theme of physical traits, I think the comb over really hurt him. By definition a comb over is designed to hide something. As a bald guy who shaves his head, I don’t respect that follicular deceit. Americans (not counting Democrats; see below) don’t like politicians who hide stuff. My advice to Donald: rip it before New Hampshire and you’ll do better.

Rubio was clearly the big winner, pulling in about 800 bps more than he polled (bps stands for basis points, which is fancy financial speak for percentage points, but you should definitely start saying “basis points” if you want to impress your friends who majored in Central European Women’s Basketweaving Studies at Vassar). Rubio won because he’s great looking, has normal sized ears, and real hair. That much is clear and it’s how it should be.

Democrats
Wow, where to start. As we go to press here at Bruce’s Blog, the dem race is a statistical dead heat. We analyzed all the physical characteristics of the two candidates and found two profoundly unattractive people and we believe this may have contributed to democrat voters’ inability to choose between these two candidates. Our recommendations here (disclaimer: Bruce’s Blog is a not partisan organization and neither requests nor receives compensation for campaign advice from any candidate) are as follows. We recommend that Hillary consider Botox and probably a new hairstyle, including the possibility of shaving her head along with The Donald. Recommendations for Bernie are more challenging, but a good start would be to try to look a bit less like Doc Brown in Back to the Future.

One final note on the Iowa primarycaucus. For months, the media has harped on the bizarre fact that the Republican front runner is a somewhat bombastic businessman/reality TV host. In the end, he got less than a quarter of the votes with over half the votes going to very credible politicians. On the Democrat side, however, 100% of the votes were split between a serial liar who’s trusted by less than 1/3 of her own party and a guy who, after 240 years of democracy in the United States, thinks we should give Socialism a shot. Wait, did I say two candidates? I guess I forgot about the <1% of the vote that went to Martin O’Malley. Yes, in addition to the serial liar and the socialist, the dems also put up a guy who left his native Baltimore and my home state of Maryland in the worst shambles imaginable. OK, so tell me which of these two parties is a total shitshow. More to come after New Hampshire.

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About Bruce Robertson

Bruce Robertson is an amateur writer and professional provocateur
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