Knoxie Pup Goes to Washington

I’m shocked that more people don’t ask me about the “annoying dog” mentioned in the tagline next to my picture at the bottom of every blog. I’ve only written about Knoxie once, when I discussed the profound uselessness of LinkedIn. I was prompted to write that screed when little Knoxie’s breeder LinkedIn with me, a healthcare venture capitalist. I failed to see the professional value to either of us in that business connection. Since I wrote Linking in with my Dog almost two years ago, if it’s possible, LinkedIn has become even more useless. On the “valuable business connections” list, my drycleaner recently LinkedIn with me. Who knows, maybe he sees more interesting venture capital deals than I know about. I doubt it. I’ve also received a spate of “endorsements” from various people in and out of my network. While I’m flattered and blush every time I get one of these endorsements, I fail to see the value of being endorsed by somebody I’ve never friggin’ heard of.

Oh, hell, I have completely digressed. This post has nothing to do with LinkedIn, though it does have something to do with my dog. So, let’s get back to the annoying pooch. Why is he annoying? Let me count the ways. One off his most annoying habits is stealing food. In our house, any unattended food, and most of the attended food, will disappear very quickly unless you guard it very carefully. I think his best conquest to date was an entire pork loin, taken off the counter. Though a close second would be the full bag of beef jerky (homemade, dammit) he stole from my backpack. On the “damn dog deserves what he gets” list was the 8 mini-bags of Scooby snacks (think gummy bears in the shape of Scooby-Doo characters) he stole from my daughter’s room last week. Can you say, “doggie tummy ache?”

The Guilty Party

Last week, I was eating breakfast at my desk at my home office, enjoying a granola bar and cup of coffee. The package of granola bars came with two bars and I only ate one of them, leaving the other in the wrapper on my desk. I walked out of my office for a few minutes and when I came back, there was Knox standing over a granola bar wrapper and a pile of granola crumbs with a few granola crumbs in his beard. Now, could I prove in a court of law that he ate the granola bar? No, I could not. I didn’t see him take it off the desk and I didn’t see him eat it. But, I think it would be a bit naïve on my part to think one of my kids ate it in the 5 minutes I had been missing from my office or that Knox was just there to clean up someone else’s crumbs. Let’s be clear – he ate the damn granola bar. Annoying little mutt.

Is there a point to my story? Jiminy Christmas, I hate when you demand points in my stories, but here we go. Here’s the point – if you find your dog standing over an empty granola bar wrapper with a pile of crumbs on the carpet and a few crumbs in his beard, the damn dog ate the granola bar! Really, that’s it? Seriously, there has to be a deeper point?

OK, there is. President Obama is playing the role of Knox and the IRS scandal is the granola bar. In fairness to Knox, he’s much cuter and, at least in theory, is a lower order species. When the IRS scandal first broke, the White House story line was that this was a few low level IRS drones in Cincinnati acting on their own. That strained credulity right out of the gate. We quickly learned that, in fact, senior people at IRS knew exactly what was going on and they knew it almost 2 years ago. The top guy got fired. But, we were then told that nobody at Treasury knew about it. Oops, wrong again. In fact, very senior people, including the Chief Counsel at Treasury knew a long time ago. Then came the really big lie. Obama told us that certainly nobody at the White House knew what was going on. They all just read about it in the press, like you and I did. Oops again! The Washington Post (yes, the Washington Post!) reported on Monday that, in fact, the White House Counsel and the president’s Chief of Staff knew about it weeks ago. But, they now tell us, neither of them told the President. Really?

And, this is where the granola bar comes into play. Having been lied to multiple times already about who knew what and when, we are now being asked to believe that the president had no idea anything was going on until the public announcement. We know that his Chief Counsel, who reports to him, knew about this a month ago and told the president’s Chief of Staff, but nobody told the president. Thus,  we’re supposed to believe that, when the story did break, the president, the biggest control freak to walk planet earth, didn’t call all of his top people into  a room and ask, “OK, who knew what and when?” There’s no doubt that meeting took place. When it did, one of two things happened. Either the president’s counsel and his Chief of Staff lied to him or they told him the truth and he lied to us when he said nobody in the White House knew about this until the public reports.

Guys, this is really simple. The president of the United States is standing there with granola crumbs on his chin, a pile of granola crumbs at his feet, and an empty granola bar wrapper next to him. Are you really going to believe he didn’t eat the granola bar? I’d like to address my liberal friends for a moment. I know you guys really want this president to succeed. I understand how much it must suck that he has finally been caught stealing the granola bar. But, please, I implore you, don’t bury your heads in the sand this time. When Nixon was caught, conservatives turned on him. Now is the time to put the country and your party above the man. He’s a bad man, just like Nixon was. He’s a liar, just like Nixon was. He has abused his power, just like Nixon did. He thinks he’s bigger than both his party and our country, just like Nixon did. He’s not. Don’t let him be. Knoxie pup doesn’t know any better. President Obama does.

About Bruce Robertson

Bruce Robertson is an amateur writer and professional provocateur
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