I was driving my daughter to school yesterday, running a few minutes behind as usual, when we got to the “choke point” where 2 lanes of Route 28 converge to one lane. The left lane, which is the one that continues on, was backed up about ¼ of a mile and the disappearing right lane was essentially wide open up to the choke point. I, of course, stayed in the right lane, just to the point of lane convergence and began looking for a place to cut in. About three cars ahead another driver did the exact same thing. As soon as he made his successful cut, I moved up to where he was, put my turn signal on to get in front of him and he started doing the lurch forward repeatedly maneuver to prevent my cut. I cursed him under my breath, but just enough over my breath that my daughter commented that he was within his right to prevent me from cutting in because, after all, I had not waited my turn in the traffic line. I quickly pointed out to her that he hadn’t either. And, that, my friends is the topic of today’s blog – the Brotherhood of the Cutter Inners (or BOCI for short).
Before getting to the Brotherhood, though, let’s acknowledge an important reality. There are two kinds of people in the world: the people who always wait patiently in the long line of traffic and the people who drive right up to front of the line and find a place to cut in. My name is Bruce and I’m a cutter inner. Now, before you laid back non-cutter inners get all up in arms about how rude we cutter inners are, let me posit something profound for you. The world is a better place when we cutter inners are allowed to cut in. Allow me to elaborate.
I opened the preceding paragraph with the astute observation that there are two kinds of people in the world. I didn’t say I went to cutter inner school as a young child to learn this behavior (though my dad did help me hone my skills). No, I didn’t choose to be a cutter inner any more than I chose to be short or to have blue eyes or to love the Washington Redskins. All of this stuff is encoded in my DNA with a series of base pairs handed down genetically from the generations before me. Please, I beg you, don’t hate me for being a cutter inner any more than you hate me for being short. Seriously, do you hate me for being short? I never really asked. Never mind.
So, here we are – cutter inners and non-cutter inners trying to exist peacefully together on planet earth. It’s all part of the grand mantra of diversity we are all told to embrace so forcefully. How do we do it? Simple – the non-cutter inners wait patiently in line and the cutter inners cut in. I know it sounds too good to be true, but it isn’t. The reason you non-cutter inners are not cutting in is because cutting in makes you feel bad. You odd little people are at your best when you’re wasting away your lives waiting in line. We don’t understand you, but we love you for it. All we’re asking for is equal respect and understanding for our need to cut in. To summarize, total global happiness is maximized when the non-cutters are waiting patiently in line and the cutters are cutting. Shouldn’t everyone’s goal be to maximize global happiness. I just gave you a formula to do it. That’s powerful stuff.
Now, there’s just one little loose end to tie up and I’m talking just to my fellow members of the BOCI. This is a brotherhood (and sisterhood; nothing sexist about cutting in, though I will note that our members are predominantly male), which means we love and support each other unconditionally. That means that once you have rushed to the front of the line of cars and secured your spot and you look in your mirror and see another brother (or sister) creeping up from behind, you are morally obligated to let that car cut in. Don’t be doing that lurch forward move to prevent a brother from cutting in. To do so is to reduce global happiness and we can’t have that.