Last week, I was in Chicago on business and decided to catch a Cubs game at Wrigley. As crotchety as that stadium is, what a great venue for baseball. I admit that I do appreciate the creature comforts of Nationals Park in Washington (like a bathroom on each level of the stadium with actual individual urinals vs. having to go down an entire level to pee in a big trough at Wrigley), but the history of Wrigley is incredible. And, nothing beats an Old Style and bratwurst with mustard and kraut. Great evening.
But, it was actually the subway ride to the game that had the bigger impact on me. We got on the red line downtown and the train was packed like sardines. I was squeezed in next to a couple who were likewise headed to the game. It was packed so tight, I couldn’t move or even swivel my head. So, I had very few options as to where my eyes could focus. I basically had two options: Look straight ahead and stare at the chest of the woman in the couple (he was bigger than I am so I deemed this a bad idea). Or, stare at their feet. Like the gentleman I am, I looked straight down…at his sandals. Or, since he’s a dude, at his mandals.
This got me thinking and helped clarify for me some basic rules I’ve been mulling over for years with respect to men and sandals. These rules are predicated on one very simple, incontrovertible observation. Namely, the male foot is one of the least attractive of God’s creations. More to the point – it’s disgusting. So why, for the love of Pete, do guys go to such lengths to display them? It’s nauseating. So, here are my very simple rules for any guys contemplating wearing mandals* this summer:
- If you’re hell bent on violating rule number 1, for crying out friggin loud, trim your toenails.
- If you have onychomycosis and you violate rule number 1, it becomes legal to execute you in a mob lynching.
- If you don’t know what onychomycosis is, Google Image it, but don’t blame me for what you see. You could have just followed rule number 1.
*Sorry, yes, brown flip flops count.