Just Say No to Mandals

Last week, I was in Chicago on business and decided to catch a Cubs game at Wrigley. As crotchety as that stadium is, what a great venue for baseball. I admit that I do appreciate the creature comforts of Nationals Park in Washington (like a bathroom on each level of the stadium with actual individual urinals vs. having to go down an entire level to pee in a big trough at Wrigley), but the history of Wrigley is incredible. And, nothing beats an Old Style and bratwurst with mustard and kraut. Great evening.

But, it was actually the subway ride to the game that had the bigger impact on me. We got on the red line downtown and the train was packed like sardines. I was squeezed in next to a couple who were likewise headed to the game. It was packed so tight, I couldn’t move or even swivel my head. So, I had very few options as to where my eyes could focus. I basically had two options: Look straight ahead and stare at the chest of the woman in the couple (he was bigger than I am so I deemed this a bad idea). Or, stare at their feet. Like the gentleman I am, I looked straight down…at his sandals. Or, since he’s a dude, at his mandals.

This got me thinking and helped clarify for me some basic rules I’ve been mulling over for years with respect to men and sandals. These rules are predicated on one very simple, incontrovertible observation. Namely, the male foot is one of the least attractive of God’s creations. More to the point – it’s disgusting. So why, for the love of Pete, do guys go to such lengths to display them? It’s nauseating. So, here are my very simple rules for any guys contemplating wearing mandals* this summer:

  1. Don’t
  2. If you’re hell bent on violating rule number 1, for crying out friggin loud, trim your toenails.
  3. If you have onychomycosis and you violate rule number 1, it becomes legal to execute you in a mob lynching.
  4. If you don’t know what onychomycosis is, Google Image it, but don’t blame me for what you see. You could have just followed rule number 1.

 

Just Say No to Mandals

*Sorry, yes, brown flip flops count.

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About Bruce Robertson

Bruce Robertson is an amateur writer and professional provocateur
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6 Responses to Just Say No to Mandals

  1. Marc Rothman says:

    Loved the blog post, Bruce. I am with you 100%. My wife, Bobbie keeps trying to get me to wear sandals, and I have refused to vehemently for years. Feet, especially mens, are ugly! Even though she says mine are nice, I keep them where they belong, within a low cut sock and a treadded shoe of some sort with excellent traction.

  2. andy says:

    Can I still wear my Crocs?

  3. BlueLoom says:

    While you’re across the Pond, you might check out mandals w/ socks. Tres, tres European.

  4. Pingback: I Want to Wear High Heels | Bruce's Blog (til I come up with a catchier name)

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