Coors Light, Please

I am frequently amazed by how susceptible we all are to marketing. I was thinking this recently when I noticed some hair gel in our bathroom called “Gel de Modelage.” I am not nearly the consumer of hair gel that I was in the 80’s when I had my Jim McMahon style mullet, but this I know: all hair gels are pretty much the same. Just some cationic polymers to make your hair stickier. But, if you give it a French sounding name and claim that it was made in France, it must be better, right? Wrong. If it was made in France, it just took longer since the French, by law, only work 15 hours per week.

Jim McMahon's mullet. I modeled mine after his in the 80s. Wonder whether he used French hair gel?

This really hit home for me today sitting at that Nationals game vs. the SF Giants (yes, we beat the defending world champs again!). I was drinking a Coors Light. Please hold the snide remarks about my taste in  beer. (What do Coors Light and having sex in a canoe have in common? Both are f***ing close to water.). I looked at the back of the can and it has a little marketing label on it with all the advantages of Coors Light over, say, Miller Lite, Bud Light, Michelob Light, or, perhaps, even some brand of beer that has taste.

The distinct advantages of Coors Light

So there you have it. Coors Light is the best beer for three simple reasons: Cold Activated Can, Vented Wide Mouth, and Frost Brew Liner. I’m going to address each of these, but in reverse order. Let’s start with the Frost Brew Liner. I’m supposed to believe that Coors Light gets is tasty taste because Coors somehow magically figured out a better liner for the inside of the can. When someone said something really stupid to my late father, he would smile and say, “I’m not even going to dignify that comment with a response.” I feel the same way about the Frost Brew Liner. Bullshit. Oops, I guess I dignified it. Couldn’t resist.

Now, perhaps the most practical of the marketing crapola on the Coors Light can – the Vented Wide Mouth, which you’ll notice is a registered trademark of Coors. You be the judge – is the mouth of the can a litte wider than the typical beer can? Uh, yeah, I guess I’d have to concede that it is. So what? At best, that enables me to drink faster, thereby requiring me to purchase more of their beer sooner. More likely, it enables me to dribble beer down my shirt. My personal observation is that it’s the latter. Drink faster, drink more, spill half of it on your shirt and run back to the store and buy another 6-pack of Coors Light. Sorry, but I don’t see the consumer benefit here.

Behold! The Vented Wide Mouth

Finally, my favorite – the cold activated can. For those of you beer snobs who’ve never enjoyed the Coors Light delicacy, the can has a picture of the Rocky Mountains and the mountains turn blue when the can is cold. Is Coors actually marketing their beer to us by telling us it is colder than the next guy’s beer?! Really?? Doesn’t that have at least something to do with how cold my fridge is or the bar’s fridge is or how long the beer man has been traipsing around Nationals Park before I unloaded one of his Coors Lights for $10?

Note the Mountains are NOT blue in this photo --> Warm Beer

This experience made me realize that, perhaps, I have become overly susceptible to these types of non-substantive marketing ploys. So, from now on, I’m going to focus on functionality alone and not fall prey to this crap. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go buy some Titleist Pro V1x golf balls for $48 per dozen.

About Bruce Robertson

Bruce Robertson is an amateur writer and professional provocateur
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7 Responses to Coors Light, Please

  1. I always thought the mountains turning blue was to tell you when your beer was cold… at which point (Tim can vouch for this) I say to the TV “or you could just feel the side of the can.” And what does “cold filtered” mean, anyway? Truth is, your canoe joke is spot on: no amount of technology will make Coors Light drinkable. Next time, have a tasty Colorado brew, like Fat Tire!

  2. andy says:

    Serves ya right for drinking that skunk piss.
    Andy the beer snob.

  3. Pingback: Documenting the gelled mullet « Thought Snax

  4. Here’s photographic proof of Bruce’s gelled mullet: C’mon over & visit the Sister Blog.

  5. Jules says:

    I met Bruce in 1985 and did indeed see the infamous gelled mullet in person. I will not fail to mention my own permed hair and ginormous glasses.

    Mark here would side with Andy the beer snob (thank you Andy)….and even I don’t drink that piss beer. C’mon mullet man, man up 🙂
    p.s. your sister is awesome, how come we did not get to meet her while we did our time in Newark?

  6. Pingback: Strapya World Frozen Beer Mug Maker | Beyond The Kitchen Sink

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