Canton, This is Jerry Jones

I cannot reveal my source, but I have a friend in Dallas who was able to grab Jerry Jones’ phone after today’s Cowboys loss to the Vikings. He quickly downloaded the SMS text dialogue below. Apparently, Jerry was texting with the Pro Football Hall of Fame in Canton.

CowboysFanJerry: Hey, y’all I’m gonna need a favor.

HOF: Who is this?

CowboysFanJerry: Um, Jerry

HOF: Jerry? Jerry who?

CowboysFanJerry: Jerry Jones, you dumass.

HOF: Mr. Jones, remember we went through this before. You can’t be abusive and then expect favors.

CowboysFanJerry: OK, OK, OK, but I need a favor quick.

HOF: Again?

CowboysFanJerry: Look, have you forgotten that you work for me?

HOF: Mr. Jones, could you please get to the point?

CowboysFanJerry: I need you to induct Tony Romo into the Hall of Fame this year?

CowboysFanJerry: Are you there?

CowboysFanJerry: Answer me.

HOF: Sorry, I’m not sure I understood you.

CowboysFanJerry: You understood me. We need Tony inducted this year.

HOF: Mr. Jones. That’s not possible. You know our deal. We induct your good players in their first year of eligibility and your shitty players in the second or third year of eligibility.

CowboysFanJerry: Well, we need to make a big ol’ Texas sized exception.

HOF: Mr. Jones, we made an exception when we inducted that crack head Irvin ahead of Art Monk, even though Monk had 200 more receptions, more yards, and more TDs.

CowboysFanJerry: Whatever, we need to make another exception. This kid keeps getting worse and worse and it’s only going to get harder to justify putting him in later.

HOF: We’re sorry, Mr. Jones, but you know that it’s against our charter to induct an active player.

CowboysFanJerry: Change the fucking charter, you imbecile.

HOF: Mr. Jones, I’m going to end this chat (and de-friend you on Facebook) if you don’t stop talking like that.

CowboysFanJerry: Jiminy cricket, boy, please stop with the formalities and change your little charters and get my boy Romo into the Hall of Fame!

HOF: Mr. Jones, you do realize that he’s won exactly one playoff game in his career, right?

CowboysFanJerry: What’s your point?

HOF: Well, my point is that he’s completely over-rated.

CowboysFanJerry: So the hell what! All of our players are over-rated, but the deal is that they all go to the Pro Bowl and they all go to the Hall of Fame.

HOF: But, Mr. Jones, this one is a real stretch. C’mon – your pathetic team is 1-4 behind this Romo guy.

CowboysFanJerry: None of that matters. This kid banged friggin’ Jessica Simpson. Put him in the Hall of Fame, dammit.

HOF: Mr. Jones, did you even watch the game today? That kid threw more interceptions than Brett Favruh. And Brett’s thrown so many INTs, people here think he’s color blind.

CowboysFanJerry: You fuckos better not induct Favre before Romo or I will stop all future payments.

HOF: Don’t worry, Romo goes in before Favre.

CowboysFanJerry: Romo goes in this year?

HOF: Sorry, 1-4 ain’t gonna do it. And, this guy really sucks. If he gets the team to 8-8 he’s in.

CowboysFanJerry: OK, deal.

HOF: Mr. Jones?

CowboysFanJerry: Yes?

HOF: We’re getting some pushback on inducting that long snapper of yours who only played 3 seasons in the NFL.

CowboysFanJerry: Bring me solutions, not problems.

HOF: Yes sir.

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About Bruce Robertson

Bruce Robertson is an amateur writer and professional provocateur
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